Today was Memorial Day.  I started my morning by getting up at 5:10 a.m.  I sat around until 6:30 a.m. when I finally weighed in.  4 more pounds down!  AWESOME!  A new weight of 211.8 (12.8 pounds down).  I can’t wait until the scale reads under 200 pounds.  I then went grocery shopping at 6:45 a.m., cleaned the house until 10:00 a.m., made stepping stones for the garden with the kids then split and stacked wood for the next 4 hours.  I was exhausted.  And I barely ate anything until 4:00 p.m.

We had family over for a huge lobster, oyster (my husband and I were the only ones to eat them) and filet mignon feast late in the day. It was awesome.  And I totally went over my calories.  In both food and alcohol.  I really let myself go today.  And I don’t regret it in the least bit.  It felt amazing and it was good to let go.  I feel confident that I will get back on track tomorrow and be back where I need to be.   I am sure I really did a number to my diet today, but I am glad I did.  I worked VERY hard and had a great time with family.  (I love my family, both sides, everyone…. I am really blessed in that department).

After everyone left we got our kids bathed and folded and put away all the laundry for the week.  Then we finally sat down.  I don’t think I will be able to get up again I am so tired.  Looking forward to sitting around at the office tomorrow.  (and getting back on track).

Today I went to a huge family picnic.  And for the first time in my life, ever, I completely did not go over calories and I stayed well within my calorie intake.   I ate a hamburger, watermelon and carrot slices.  I didn’t eat any dessert and I didn’t even feel deprived.  I feel like I am really starting to hit my stride and that I am truly, for the first time in a very long time, in this to win it.  Usually I would eat, and eat, and eat.  I didn’t, and right now I feel good.

Tomorrow morning I have to weigh in for the 2nd time and I feel like this week will be a good week.  I didn’t go over calories at all this week, whereas the first week I did.  So I am hoping I have a great result in the morning.

My kids were awesome today.  I was so proud of them.  Well behaved and having a great day with family and friends.  And I felt able to keep up with them a little better than normal.  That was the best part of my day.

I hope the grey box comes through again in the morning.  I really want to lose these so many pounds.

Today I had a major revelation, my boobs are finally sticking out past my stomach again.  It is the belly/boob dilemma.  I realized, not so long ago, that my stomach was actually starting to stick out further than my boobs.  And I have big boobs… which means I had an even larger stomach.  But after two weeks (I have a weigh in on Monday morning!!  can’t wait)… one of the big things I notice is that my stomach is starting to shrink a little.  It feels amazing.

I did a lot of work around my yard, it felt great.  At one point I started to feel a little woozy because I had not eaten enough.  Again, I need to make sure that I am eating more on days that I will be really active.

I am sitting by a campfire right now as I write this entry.  Usually, by this point I would be about four drinks in.  I have refrained tonight.  I had one small glass of wine and that is it.  It feels nice to exercise some self-control.

Today I allowed myself to have an alcoholic drink for the first time in 12 days.  I had a diet gin and tonic.  Actually I had two.  However, what was different was I stopped at two and I counted every calorie.  They were good and it felt good to limit myself.  As my husband and I were eating dinner (our children were watching a movie) we were chatting about what we are going to do for our 10 year anniversary next year.  We have said for a few years now we are going to go on a big trip, just the two of us.  We are at the point now that we are trying to determine what to do.  Ireland, the Caribbean or an all out trip to California with numerous wine stops.  They all sounds amazing.  Out of all of them, I would like to do something exotic.  For our honeymoon, we went to Europe and Turkey for two weeks.  It was amazing.  I want to do something like that again, amazing.  I suggested going to the Caribbean, going on an awesome cruise.  Or perhaps Peru, something different.  My husband didn’t object, but he also expressed his concerns about going on a trip like that when we look the way we do now (and keep in mind, he is not the least bit over weight…. he was being nice… he really was talking about me).  And he is right, I never want to go do something beach like because I am a fat cow.  But for the first time in a long time I feel like this time is going to be different and we can plan a trip like that.  But I think I need to be doing this a lot longer for him to believe it.  He says he feels like this time is different for me (And I believe him when he says that because he is honest with me), but I also think before we embark on that journey and spend that kind of money, there needs to be more results.  And he is concerned about how comfortable, or uncomfortable, I might be on the trip.  I am concerned about that as well.  The truth hurts.  It hurt to hear him say those things– but he is right.  If I was not self-conscious he likely would not have said anything.  But I constantly talk about my weight with him, so naturally, he is concerned about how I will be.  And that is why I love him.  It is also why, more than anything, I really want this time to be so much different and I want to be successful like I have been in the past.  I know I can do this.

I had a good day overall and I walked three miles during lunch!  I found myself rooting around the cupboard for a snack after dinner and I found I really don’t have anything good to snack on.  I need to find some good snacks– other than veggies and fruit.  I eat that during the day, I want something of a small indulgence that isn’t a calorie killer.  When I was in college I had joined weight watchers and I was really successful.  Although I did not weigh nearly as much as I do now, I was a little heavy and I was able to lose the weight and keep it off for over 5 years.  Two of my favorite snacks were rice cakes with peanut butter and fat free kettle korn popcorn.  (as I am writing this I just went and added both of those things to my grocery list for the weekend).  I had learned to balance better eating habits and I regularly worked out.  Then I got a full-time stressful job and had 2 kids… which I have used as my excuse for not getting back into shape for the last 7 years.

Tomorrow at work we are having a company picnic.  I am planning on bringing in my own lunch.  The one thing I don’t know how to do is just indulge a little without completely going over.  Because this is still so early on in the process, I am afraid to stray off the diet at all for fear I will never get back on it.  I am literally petrified of not sticking with this.  My sister-in-law contacted me about getting together over the weekend and hanging out, which we do when she comes to Connecticut (she lives out of state).  She was bummed I wasn’t going to be drinking… which bummed me out a bit also.  But it stems from the fact that I am not sure if I know how to rein it in and just have a glass or two of wine.  I am apt to drink a whole bottle myself….or many martinis.

Today I had a function to go to for a local volunteer organization I am looking to join.     They meet at a local restaurant I love and have dinner as part of the meeting.   The food is great.   The food is also not really healthy.   So I ordered the one thing on the menu that was healthy/low in calories.    Pan seared tilapia (I really wanted the chicken parm).  It was amazing, and I am sure pan seared in a pound of butter– which is likely why the sautéed spinach was awesome and I ate the whole thing! (I hate spinach, so for me to eat it they did something amazing to it).   It also came with pan seared zucchini and mashed potatoes.   I ate all the zucchini and only a few small bites of potatoes, but man I wanted them all.

This got me thinking about this weekend.  Memorial Day.   Picnics.   And food!    This is exactly where I have found myself on a million other diets- right at the center of trying to be good and finding every excuse not to be.    I have already started prepping myself to say no and “be good” this weekend.    I am hoping if I do enough prep talk it will actually work this time.   And to not let the fact that it is a holiday (or wedding, birthday, vacation, or some random Friday) undo what I am trying very hard to accomplish.   To lose those so many pounds.   For every excuse I make, it is one less pound I can lose.   When I am tipping the scales at over 200 pounds (I am not even ready to admit how short I am)  every excuse hurts.  And I don’t want to hurt anymore.

When I diet, I frequently become a bit irritable.  As my husband calls it, the crabby patties (come to think about it, one of those sound really good right now).  Although this time around I don’t feel as crabby as I normally get when I diet, apparently those around me think differently.  Mostly little things irk me and I go from zero to sixty in about 1 second.  I am not the most patient person to begin with.  As I explain it to my husband, I feel like I am bi-polar.  Really happy one moment and a totally different person the next.  It could be over anything…. the kids toys all over, the kids tracking dirt in the house after asking them not to for the tenth time, the kids screaming after asking them not to…. do you sense a theme there?

As I write this I am drinking a protein shake.  It is pretty good– not nearly good as ice cream.   In fact, I have some ice cream in my freezer.  I hear it calling me, “come eat me…. I am so good… seriously!  Come eat me”.  I had a lot of calories left by the end of the day, mainly because what I ate today was low in calories.  I was feeling a little hungry and I don’t want what happened last week to happen this week.  If I leave that many calories left in my day, I know that will come back to bite me tomorrow.

Tomorrow night I have a function to go to for my local Rotary Club.  Dinner is included at a nice restaurant in town.  I am  not sure how I am going to stay on track for that…. tune in tomorrow to find out how it goes!

The grey box came through big this morning.  8.8 pounds down for a new weight of 215.8.  I will never have to look at 220+ number ever again in my life!   I felt so amazing that I wanted to celebrate.  Celebration for me includes food and alcohol.  Certainly not something I am going to do at 7:00 a.m. before I go to work on a Monday.  But something I would have done at 7:00 p.m.  But today I did not.  I celebrated by staying outside with my daughter a little longer at my son’s baseball game than I normally do.  As amazing as 8.8 pounds lost feels, it still doesn’t feel as amazing as eating something awesome.  And therein lies the dilemma.  I want so badly to be thinner, but I have been obese for so long I don’t even remember what that feels like.  But I do remember what it feels like to eat a plate of nachos, a cheeseburger or a pint of ice cream.  And to me that feels good.  It feels like comfort.  Finding a “new” comfort is my new lot in life.   I haven’t found it yet.  However, I can say that spending that extra time with my daughter today felt pretty awesome.

Tomorrow I weigh in.    I am excited and nervous.   Having tried to lose weight so many times the first week is usually the largest loss.   I am hoping it is big.    It won’t be as big as it could be, because as is typical for me, I went over my calories today.   I ate some ice cream.    Not a ton, but I ate it.   And I don’t regret it.   I just hope to be able to keep it in check and not get up and eat the rest of what is in the fridge tonight!

I have been tired all weekend.   It has been very busy, and I feel very tired.   As with yesterday I think it is because I don’t eat enough during the day on the days I am most active.   And I don’t take that into account with my calorie intake.   Hoping in the long run that pans out for me and it results in the loss of so many pounds 😊

This was the first weekend in a long time I didn’t have any alcohol.  I found myself busier than normal and not just lounging around as much.   So that is good.  But it is nice to have a cocktail, or 2 or 3…. It’s a release/escape.   Especially knowing I have to go to work in the morning for the week– work that can be very, very stressful.

Hoping with my stepping on the grey box in the morning I can get some renewed motivation.

Not surprisingly, this is not my first attempt at weight loss.  It is my millionth.  I felt this time I needed to do something different in order to stick with it.  So far, its a going.

I went grocery shopping this morning.  I saw that the grocery store had Ben and Jerry’s on sale, 2 for $6.00.  It hasn’t been that low in as long as I can remember.  I thought to myself, of course it is on sale like this now!  I wanted so bad to buy a pint of mint cookies and cream.  That is my favorite Ben and Jerry’s flavor.  I kept walking.  It was definitely a “win” for the morning.

I spent a lot of time outside today doing yard work.  I had not eaten enough and began to feel dizzy/tired.  I need to make sure that on days like that I eat a breakfast more substantial than just yogurt.

On my drive home with my children this afternoon I heard a song called “fight song”.  The premise of the song is that everything will be ok and you can fight through anything.  It made me feel empowered, like I can keep doing this.  The very next song was a song from Pink called “So What”.  That song immediately made me feel like “So What”!  I can eat whatever I want.  It was amazing how in the course of 5 minutes I went from thinking I am a diet goddess to screw my diet!  Being on a diet can do that to you.  That is a large part of the reason I have not been able to see this thing through in the past.  Every time I lose about 20 pounds I plateau, then gain it back.  I really want this time to be different.  Not just for me, but for my kids also.

I am looking forward to Monday morning and stepping on the grey box.  I am hoping that the results are really positive.  Especially since I didn’t have a cocktail today either– it better be worth it.