Today I was hungry.  I didn’t eat all of my calories yesterday and it came back to bite me in the butt today.  Inevitably, I ate more calories today than I should have… upsetting.  I didn’t go crazy (like I wanted to), but I didn’t stay within my allotted calorie intake for the day.  What I did do was to log everything I ate and be honest that I went a little over.  It makes me want to eat more– I feel like, “well, I went over, I might as well just blow it”.  I keep telling myself not to do that.  And I haven’t yet, but the night isn’t over.

The other thing that is hard is that it is Friday and I did not have a cocktail or glass of wine.  I usually do every Friday, Saturday and Sunday.  Along with losing those “so many pounds” I have to lose, I am trying to cut back on my alcohol consumption.  The two things that help me release/relax (neither being healthy) food and alcohol- have caused me to get to that awful number I saw on Monday morning from the grey box.   I really never want to see that number again, and so I tell myself that skipping the alcohol and extra food tonight will be worth it.

Some say “nothing tastes as good as skinny feels”… they never had my famous melonball martini and bbq nachos.  But then again they look awesome in a bikini and I can’t even get a bikini bottom up my leg.

Some of the women at my office walk twice a day during their 15 minute breaks.  They are able to walk 1.1 miles during that 15 minute time span.  I have walked with them twice before.  They walk fast and I am definitely the largest in the group (not a single one of them are overweight…. Shocker, right… they all walk every day!).  Both times I have walked with them I have felt winded when I am done.  I don’t always get to walk with them as I do not get set breaks during the day.  But if my schedule permits it, I love to go with them.  Today I was able to walk with them in the morning.  It was gorgeous outside.  And, guess what!  When I was done, I didn’t feel totally winded.  Now don’t get me wrong, I was tired.   But I felt like my legs rubbed together just a tiny bit less than before.  And my legs didn’t tingle as much as when I walked with them before.

I again made my own sandwich with veggies on the side for lunch.  I accidentally brought my husband’s sandwich instead of mine (because, as many working mothers—I was doing 15 things at once and in my haste to be efficient, I wasn’t).  I put cheese on my husband’s sandwich and not on mine.  I ate the first ½ of the sandwich at lunch time (I actually got to 12:20 today before I ate my lunch) and all I could think about was how awesome the sandwich tasted.  I kept thinking to myself, this is sooo creamy.  DUH!  It was creamy because I had the wrong sandwich.  Then I felt upset for eating cheese as I had not counted it into my calorie intake for the day.  As silly as it sounds, it threw me off a bit for the afternoon.  Thank goodness I was super busy all afternoon and only now am I thinking about it again.  But it is funny to me how something so trivial like a 40 calorie slip up can actually make me want to say…. “Screw this weight loss thing- I will eat whatever cheese I want.”

The most amazing thing happened today.  I pulled into McDonald’s to get an ice cream cone.  I pulled in, pulled into a parking spot and pulled out my phone to use My Fitness Pal to see how many calories the ice cream cone would be.  I then pulled back out and drove to get into the drive-thru (because fat people don’t like to get in line inside the restaurant and have people know they are buying McDonald’s, they like to hide it, go through the drive-thru and eat it alone in their cars… ok, that might be an over-generalization… that is what I do), but instead….. I drove past the drive-thru and left McDonald’s without purchasing anything!!  For me, it didn’t matter what happened the rest of the day, the fact that I did not eat that ice cream was a major win.  I love ice cream.  I dream about ice cream.  I have no problem shoveling in an entire pint of Ben and Jerry’s (yummmmmmm…. Ben and Jerry’s!) in one sitting.  Usually, it is after eating a massively unhealthy meal and I really have no business polishing it off with dessert.  Come to think about it, this is day 3 of no dessert…. Would love something right now.   I better go brush my teeth!

May 12, 2015

I was so happy not to have to step on the grey box this morning.  I woke up imagining that I had already lost 5 pounds.  Wouldn’t that be nice!  I actually took the time for the first time in years to make myself a sandwich, cut up carrots and strawberries as well for lunch.  And when it came time to eat them at lunch (ok, so maybe I didn’t make it all the way to lunch because I was really hungry and ate at 11:30!) it was the best thing I ever tasted.  A small step, but it was no burrito or quesadilla (my favorite) from Moe’s….. Ohhhh Moe’s!  yummmm

I had a great day and was feeling positive until I drove home from work.  I have to drive past a Chinese and Japanese restaurant every day on my way to and from work.  The smell on the way home was intoxicating, I wanted to lick the air and taste the food.   By the time I got home, I was so hungry I didn’t even bother to make the dinner that was planned.  Instead, I reheated the dinner from the night before and fed my children whatever they wanted.  I felt terrible not fixing them a proper dinner.  My daughter had a peanut butter and jelly sandwich and my son butter noodles.  I was so fixated on getting myself something, I let their needs go by the wayside.  Naturally, I feel guilty and ashamed.  But I am also full and I end the day successful, staying within my calorie intake for the day.  Upon completing my entry into My Fitness Pal, I am told I will weigh 216 pounds in 5 weeks…. Boooooo.  That is no different from yesterday.  Despite my upset, I don’t (for the first time in a long time) decide to eat a pint of ice cream as a snack before bed.  I brush my teeth and eat nothing else.  Will power prevails!

So today it begins, 224.6 pounds staring at me from the grey box located below my feet.  With my weight, I just want to pound on it with my feet and crush the grey box below.  That way I never have to step on it again.  But I decide that is not the best course of action and remain resolute in my decision that I really need to make that number much lower.  So I step off the grey box, go to my i-phone and enter my weight on my new fancy app—My fitness pal.   I diligently enter what I ate for breakfast, finish getting myself ready for work and go about my day.

Then it happens, 1:00 o’clock in the afternoon.  I am driving down I-84 east in Hartford and there it is—A huge Moe’s Southwest grill sign.  It says “Not every Homewrecker is on reality television”.   Below it is a huge picture of the most awesome looking burrito.  All I want to do is pull over, find the closest Moe’s and stuff my face with chips, salsa and burrito goodness.  Unbelievably, I actually head back to my office and I do not stop at Moe’s.  The first time in some time that I exercise self-control.  It gives me a bit of hope that I can stick with it.

I had to work later today and ended up needing to go directly to my son’s ballgame to pick up my daughter who was with my husband.  He helps coach my son’s baseball team and it is preferable not to have a four year old girl running around the dugouts 🙂   This meant I was delayed in getting home to eat.  And I was starving.  (ok, so not starving… obviously.  But hungry and wishing at that moment I had the burrito).  Once I finally got home I dove right into the turkey chili I had put in the crockpot that morning like I had not eaten in days, despite having just eaten at lunch.  I again input what I ate into my neat new app.  Completed my entry for the day and was told that in 5 weeks I would weigh approximately 216 pounds.  I felt a wave of defeat come over me…. In 5 weeks I will only lose 8 pounds?!   I want to lose it all now, I am not patient, hence me weighing 224.6 pounds.  Hopefully with day one down, day two gets easier.