Well…. I was depressed today and I went over.  Not only did I go over, I did it first thing in the morning.  All fat people know what that means to be bad in the morning, it means, usually, the whole day is down the toilet.

I went to Dunkin Donuts this morning and ate 2 donuts AND a ham, egg and cheese on a toasted English muffin.  Yep… I had eaten almost all of my calories for the day before 9:00 a.m.  Now, I tried to save it and I ate NOTHING all day until after 5:00 at night.  Then… because at that point I was so hungry– and I was still feeling in the dumps a little, I went ahead and went WAY over today.

Fat people are fat people, even when they get thinner or lose weight.  The fat person is always in there waiting to get out.  And the fat person in me came flying out today– it has been buried pretty well for 87 days, but today it came out in all of its donut glory.

On a brighter note, I did step on the grey box this morning.  I was up a few pounds.  HOWEVER, I was still under the 200 mark…so I was pretty pumped about that.  Unfortunately, I have been feeling so crappy lately that it didn’t matter and I let my issues with other things creep in and I went over.

I am know that I will stay with this…. but it is comical how every other day since I have gotten back from vacation it has been a complete rollercoaster.  I am struggling– but I just need to get through the struggle and try again tomorrow.

Today I had three separate and distinct times that I almost went ahead and threw all this hard work down the trash.  One time involved my walking by a tray of free cookies on two different occasions at the grocery store.  Both times I walked away.  Only now am I really happy I didn’t eat them.  I am very happy I got through the whole day on track!  YEA!

I have been craving Moe’s lately.  I saw that pesky billboard again today on my ride back to the office.  A burrito sounds SO good.  I also have been really craving chips and dip lately.  I think part of the reason I have been struggling is because I have been feeling a little down in the dumps and the immediately positive endorphins I get from bad food make me feel better.  Although I don’t feel better hours later or the next day, in the moment I feel better.  Same with alcohol– in fact, as I sit here now I could go for a glass of wine.  However, I won’t because as I have written numerous times, I really do think that this time is different.  Just writing this blog is helping make this time different.  If I didn’t have you to write to, I think I would have gone ahead weeks ago and just rode this train right off the tracks.

I might step on the grey box in the morning just to see where I am.  I don’t think I am going to log the weight, but I am interested to see with a couple of days that are ok (I wouldn’t say great because yesterday was an over day) where I am.  I know I definitely put on a couple of pounds.  I can just feel it.  I am hoping it isn’t too bad.

Today I did something very embarrassing and unprofessional.  To compensate for my upset I went over my calories.  I didn’t go too crazy, but now I am more upset because it is my second day back on track and I am already off track.  I wanted some alcohol, but I didn’t go there and am happy that at least I didn’t do that.  Regardless, I need to pick myself up a bit and get over it.  I have been down in the dumps a bit– I think because vacations are pretty much over for the year and that is depressing.  I just need to not let food be my vice, and today I wasn’t very strong in that regard.  Tomorrow will be better.

Today was really tough because I have had a straight week of being bad and going over so much.  I really went over during vacation.  For the first time though, I counted everything when I went over.  It was really interesting to see how much damage I can do in a single day.  It also helps me understand why I am so large.

I did not get on the grey box this morning.  I am nervous about getting on and seeing what I did.  I would like a few days before I go ahead and do that.  I am thinking I will set a date with the grey box for Saturday morning….but I am not sure.  I know I need a few days to get back into the swing of things and not feel so bloated.  Today was hard, I felt hungry all day, even though I know I had no business being hungry.  I had just eaten so much over vacation I felt like I should be eating, or having a cocktail for that matter.  However, as I sit here and write this now, I have stayed within my calories for the day and I feel great about it.  I am still feeling really bloated and “heavy”.  I am hoping that a few days back into my routine that feeling goes away and I start to feel how I felt “pre-vacation” again.

I had an amazing time on vacation.  The day I left I weighed myself and I weighed 196…a loss of 2 more pounds.  However, I had many days where I very clearly went over.  The beginning of the vacation I stayed on track for the most part, but by the end I was way, way over everyday.  I was so happy– had a great time and I know tomorrow is right back to eating well.  I know the first couple of days are going to be hard to get refocused, but I know I can do it and I know I will get back on this wagon. Although I am sad to be going back to work, I am looking forward to giving my digestive track a break.

Today was a great day.  I was right on track and didn’t go over my normal daily allotment at all.  It feels good to be sitting here writing the same.  I am going to have a date with the grey box in the morning.  I will likely write my blog post in the morning because I am not going to have time tomorrow to check in.  Not sure if I will be able to blog at all this week– it will depend on how I am feeling.  I am a bit anxious about the grey box– been a rough two weeks.  My goal is to be at the same weight.  It would be great if I was a little down… but not getting my hopes up about that at all.  I just really want to maintain.  I am not sure if I will do that this coming week, but even if I don’t, I know that I will  be right back at it full force when I return from vacation.  I also really want to not go super crazy this week… like I have been doing so far this summer.. keeping track, writing everything down and not eating as much as I have in the past.

Aside from eating… vacation is going to be awesome.  I really can’t wait!

I would not categorize today as a great day, but it was much better.  I did go over my daily allotment, but didn’t come even remotely close to all of the exercise calories I earned today– which were a ton.  I went way over my walking and mile per day goal.  I walked in the morning and I went golfing today and walked.  So I had a lot of exercise.  Sitting here right now, even though I went over, I am feeling pretty great.  I am still going to have a date with the grey box on Saturday morning.  As I stated, I just really want to maintain where I am right now. I know I will be fine and I will get through this hump… the important thing is that I don’t quit.  And I know I won’t quit… I can do this.

I had a great night with my husband.  We golfed and both had great games…. then went out for dinner.  We both have been stressed out, he more than I…. and tonight we really just enjoyed each other’s company.  With everything going on, it is hard to do that sometimes… it was great to get to do it tonight.

So I feel like I am failing at this over the last two days.  Yesterday when I went out for my work dinner meeting, I completely went way over my calories.  Then today I decided to eat my exercise calories, hence, I went over.  I think today I went over because I didn’t eat enough during the day and I just could not keep it in check for dinner and needed to eat more to feel satisfied.

I know that July is one of the toughest months– aside from December.  I know that if I can just get through this without gaining any weight, I will be able to take off and keep going on this journey.  I am nervous that I might let it all unravel and I really don’t want to do that.  I am going to have a date with the grey box on Saturday morning and report whatever the weight is.  Good or bad.  (right now I am not feeling so great about what it will be).  I need to stop being so afraid of it…. and I also need to realize that this is a long journey and it can’t be success 100% of the time.  (although I would like it to be).

I know I can clean up this disaster and get back on track.  I would love for Thursday and Friday to be great days heading into vacation– I am going to make it my goal to do so.

I am so happy that today I was able to pull it back together and have a solid day back on track.  I got terrible sleep last night and I think it is because I had such a bad eating day yesterday.  It was the worst day I have had thus far and I think it totally threw my whole system off.  I am debating whether I am going to have my date with the grey box in the morning.  I am contemplating waiting until the end of the week.  I could just tell this morning it wasn’t a good idea to hop on the grey box…. I felt bloated and gross.  I still kind of feel gross and I had a really good day.

Tomorrow I am nervous because I have a dinner with co-workers at a nice restaurant.  There is always drinking and eating lots of food involved.  I am really going to have to be good tomorrow because I don’t want to go over at all this week… hopefully I can get a really good salad for dinner.  Until then!

Well today was a great day with family.  Today was an AWFUL day for my diet.  So bad that I cannot weigh in tomorrow morning and I need a day or two off from the grey box because tomorrow will likely be really bad.  Today is likely one of the worst days I have had since I started this journey.  And it is amazing to me that it was one of the worst eating days and one of the best and most fun days I have had in a long time.  Almost 70 days come to think about it– there is just something about food and drinks that make a good day/party/picnic, etc.

I need to have a really great week of being on track– it is going to be really hard while on vacation next week.  I think a realistic goal might be to have one good day on track, and one off day.   That would be one way to figure out vacation instead of just having 7 straight bad days.  I will need to contemplate this more this week.