I have had an extremely stressful week at work.  Today I text my husband and said I could use a drink… I then text him and told him we need to go outside and chop and stack wood after work (we recently cut down a large tree and have been spending an inordinate amount of time splitting and stacking it).  It seems like it is never going to end there is so much wood.  I can’t wait for it to be done… but tonight I was happy to be able to go outside for an hour and a half and do some tough work.  It was a great way to relieve stress and once I was done, I actually felt de-stressed.   My mother-in-law came over and watched the kids, getting them ready for bed, while he and I went outside and worked.  It was great for us to get outside and the kids love seeing their grandma.

It also marks the first time in years that instead of going ahead when I am super stressed out and having a glass of wine (or two or three) I got my butt outside to relieve my stress in a healthy way.  It was a big win for me.  I am having an awesome week.  I hope I can continue it into the weekend.

I am finally starting to get really excited at the prospect of fitting into new clothes.  Smaller clothes.  I was looking at myself in the mirror tonight as I got my PJ’s on.  Nothing exciting there…. but the thought of being able to look in the mirror and actually be happy with what I see, that will be amazing (NOTE- I said will because I will do this).  I have been thinking about taking a picture of myself in a sports bra and underwear.  I haven’t been able to bring myself to do it.  I don’t think I ever want to look at that again once I get to the point that I don’t have to see it in the mirror looking back at me.  I have plenty of pictures of myself with clothes on that are not that attractive that could serve as sufficient reminders of the weight.  Oh so many pounds, but oh so many new possibilities as each one goes away.  I can’t wait.

Before I explain why I wrote the heading 16 weeks for today, I have to comment that when I opened my computer the home page had an ad for Moe’s Southwest Grill!!  AHHHH…. it is everywhere!

Ok, so I read an article that states people who stick with losing weight for 16 weeks are much more likely to be successful and stick with their weight loss journey.  Although I completely understand that…. I wish the number of weeks was lower.  Seeing as how I am only day two into week three, that seems pretty daunting.

I have completed day 20 of my abs challenge.  It makes me laugh… “abs” challenge.  I don’t even have a single “ab”.  I can feel that the top of my stomach is a bit tighter than before.  But the bottom half is… well, just awful.  It is like a war went on there and everything was stretched as much a possible.   I often look at it in the mirror and wonder if I can ever have a flat stomach again.  I have done so much damage to it.  This time around, though, I am bound and determined to finally find out what it can look like… because I know it can’t continue to look how it does now.  I just can’t look at it anymore.  I want to wear clothes that aren’t so baggy on me to hide my awful figure…. and I know really I am not hiding anything.  I am large.  Everyone can see that.  But it would be nice to wear a shirt and not be thinking about my rolls, or muffin top (alright, it isn’t a muffin, it is an entire cake).

The grey box was better to me this morning than I expected.  2.2 pounds down for a total weight loss of 15 pounds!  That is 15 pounds I will never have to look at, carry around or lament about again in my life.  15 pounds less I have to lose.  15 pounds closer to freedom… freedom from the weight,freedom from the upset and freedom from the pain that being fat brings.

Although I know I have a long, long way to go… I already feel better.  I put on a pair of pants today that was so tight, when I sat down my pants would roll down.  However, today, that didn’t happen and I could actually breath in them.

I saw a commercial on TV for today for Taco Bell.  I have no idea what it was for, but I wanted it.  Some taco thing covered in nacho cheese.  I think that if I actually had that in front of me right now, I would eat it, despite the 15 pound weight loss.  I hope to get to the point that I see those things and I don’t feel such a strong urge to want to eat that terrible food.  With these 15 pounds down, and the remaining so many pounds I have to lose… I feel like I am heading in the right direction in which being healthy will override my desire to eat things that are truly terrible for me.

I have been at this for three weeks and all in all, I think it has gone pretty well.  The best part is that I am still doing it.  I went over my calories a little today because I wanted an ice cream cone, so I had it.  I didn’t have nearly as good of a week as I had the first two weeks, I am preparing myself to be disappointed in the morning.  I am just hoping that I have a loss, because if I lose then that is always really positive for me.  When I don’t lose I often give up.

I don’t have any work functions/picnics or family gatherings this week that often cause me to derail.  My goal for this week is to have a solid week, staying within my calorie allotment every day.  I am not concerned about how big the weight loss will be for next week, just that I stay on track.

I didn’t have any alcohol this weekend (which is good because last weekend and Tuesday more than made up for it).   I notice that it isn’t always the food I consume but the alcohol that really gets to me and causes me not to lose weight.  (often, it also causes me to eat more because it makes me hungry).

Sometime over the next month I want to incorporate a home made pizza night into dinners.  We used to have pizzas that I would make once a week.  We stopped because we were getting a little tired of it.  I am craving that right now.  I would need to carefully plan because that would definitely be a day that I go over my calories… sounds like something yummy to look forward to.   My birthday is coming up, perhaps that will be my birthday dinner.  Probably not– I likely will go for some sushi.

I was super busy today, which helped me stay on track.  I brought my daughter to Sweet Frog and I didn’t get any!!  In fact, I brought my own lunch and ate cucumbers, carrots and a sandwich with me.  And I ate it while she ate her ice cream.  For a weekend day, it really was a good day and it wasn’t hard to stay on track.  I treated myself to an Italian ice at home this evening.  It was great and I stayed within my calories.  Hope tomorrow is just as good.

I had tacos for dinner, but I really wanted Moes… or sushi.   I didn’t, but I am worried that if I don’t find a healthy way to have those things in my diet, I will just go hog wild, like I did on Tuesday.   I need to find a healthy way to incorporate those things in.  I just don’t know how without overindulging.

I did that dangerous thing again and weighed myself this morning.   Still up more than I was on Monday and that really bugs me.  I can work so hard and have two rough days and it completely puts me back.  I know I shouldn’t weigh myself more than once a week.  My goal for tomorrow is to not do it.   It is just very hard to break old habits.  I just don’t want to quit as a result of it.  I just really don’t want to quit.

About a month and a half before I started this endeavor, I went through all of my old clothes (which I have every size clothing from size 6 through size 18!), and I got rid of everything I said I would never fit in again.  I had been hanging onto it all for years and I finally reserved myself to the fact that I would never again be fit or thin.  I did keep some nice dress pants, but for the first time I packed them up and put them in my attic.  I convinced myself that my only size is the current size I am now.

Today was another good day.  And it got me thinking about all of those clothes.  I am still glad I got rid of them, because it was taking up a lot of unnecessary room.  However, I know I will get back into those sizes… and it will give me the chance to go on one heck of a shopping spree.

Today was MUCH better and I am back on track.  I stayed within my calories and I went for a walk as well.  One thing I have not written about is that I am currently doing an abs challenge.   I am on day 14 of the challenge.  I have not missed a day.  It is not a difficult abs challenge, it is really meant for beginners.  Since I have so much going on in the middle, that is perfect for me because I can barely just sit up.

One thing I did this morning which I know is dangerous is that I weighed myself to see the damage I did.  It was not a pretty sight, but also not as bad as it could have been.  I know I should not weigh myself more than once weekly, as weighing myself daily is not healthy… but I feel like I will do it.  I usually run into trouble around this time in my diet because I start weighing myself daily and then I get on myself if I have not lost weight.  Then I quit.  I am going to go to bed tonight telling myself not to weigh myself.  Although I know me, I think I will do it.  What I need to not do is quit as a result of it.  And I need to only weigh myself weekly…

Yikes.  Today I was doing phenomenal until 6:00 p.m. when I went to a work related dinner and went way, way off my diet.  These dinners are associated with drinking and eating… and gossiping.  It would be weird if I didn’t partake.  And I did, worse than yesterday.  And then I got home and I ate 3 ice cream sandwiches. THREE….   The worst part about the whole thing is that I feel like now I should just throw in the towel and reserve myself to being a fat cow for the rest of my life.  Of course those who I had dinner with tonight are all fit and trim.  Having a dinner like tonight is a complete non-issue for them.  But for me, I feel like I just completely undid the entire 2 weeks I have just had.  I am on the verge of a meltdown.

BUT, I will not quit.  I know I can do this. This is a set back, of course.  But I am in this for the long haul, and one really bad day isn’t worth throwing in the towel for the 12+ pounds I have lost.  That was hard work and I know I need to stick with this.   But it is such a long process and the immediate satisfaction of food and alcohol is the best comfort I know.  I wish it wasn’t, I really do.  But it felt good, it felt freeing and it felt fun.  Losing weight just doesn’t feel the same.   I really wish the two compared.  Hopefully I have something more positive to say tomorrow.