I wish I was at the place mentally I was in at day 30 or 50.  I am not.  I am at a place I was at -100.  Meaning, I am where I was 100 days before I started dieting… no where and fat.  Today, instead of having an amazing day at day 100 and talking about another 20 pounds lost, I am up 5 pounds and I had a day reminiscent of days I had before I ever started losing weight.  I don’t like to admit this… it is the kind of thing you don’t talk about it.  But here it goes, this is everything I ate today– fruit loops, a donut and a bean burrito for breakfast.  3 Tacos and a cheeseburger for lunch, then some ice cream.  I stopped at both Taco Bell AND McDonalds.  I ate a normal dinner of chicken and potatoes…. then ate ramen noodles, a cookie and more ice cream.  I physically did something I have not done in over 100 days, and I did it twice.  I drove into two fast food drive thru’s and ate fast food.

The worst part about the whole thing is that yesterday I said to myself that I was going to do it– and I did.  I thought about doing it yesterday and I went ahead and did it.  What I really wanted to do was go to Moe’s, but I didn’t have time.  And you know what, I will likely go one day this week because apparently it is something I need to get out of my system.

When I was at McDonald’s there was a man sitting in the parking lot in a chair and a friend of his came across the parking lot and met him. (which, was really weird, it as 95 degrees outside and what the heck were they doing in the parking lot).   I have no idea what they were doing.  I was sitting in the parking lot in my car while it was running because I had just gone through the drive thru at Taco Bell and had pulled into McDonalds because I knew when I was done with the tacos I was going to get ice cream.  I almost didn’t because of the guys sitting in the parking lot.  I felt like they were watching me, judging me.  But ultimately, I didn’t care and I pulled around and I got in the drive thru line for ice cream.  But then for some strange reason I felt I couldn’t just order ice cream, so I got a cheeseburger as well.  I have no idea why, I just felt like I was on auto pilot.   I feel like my fat ways are like being on auto pilot and I have been manually steering for so long (100 days that is) that I just need to go back to auto pilot– it is easy, freeing and mindless.  I wish it wasn’t any of those things, and I wish I could get back to where I was.  I want to get back there, but then again maybe I don’t.  I am not doing anything to show it.    There are just so many pounds.

Today was just ok.  I ended up going a little over because I went out for dinner for my mom’s birthday.  It wasn’t a terrible day by any means, but still an over day.  What was really tough today was that I went to a meeting at lunch time and I thought they were serving lunch and didn’t.  I was really hungry when I got out of the meeting past 3 in the afternoon.  I likely wouldn’t have eaten as much at dinner had I been able to have a normal lunch.  Tomorrow I will be able to do that– and that is key for me.  Right now as I sit here I want to eat something else and I don’t know why.  I have no business eating anything else.  I am not even hungry but I feel like it will make me feel better– I don’t know what it would make me feel better about, I feel fine!  That is the crazy thing about having weight issues… I have a desire to eat food when I don’t even understand why.

Although the past two days have not been good diet days, I continue to plug along and will continue to track everything I am doing to get back to where I was before vacation.  I really do want to get back on track, I keep saying that but still I haven’t been able to completely do it.  I know I will though because I continue to write and track what I eat, even when I go over.  Tomorrow will be a good day– I just know that it will.

We went out for a great dinner tonight and had a good time.  We went to a German restaurant and a man went around the restaurant with an accordion.  The kids thought it was really cool and our son was entertaining the table next to us.  It was super cute and a nice family night together.  My husband is leaving for L.A. California for 2 weeks this weekend, so we wanted to all go out tonight.

As for eating, I went over today but it wasn’t too bad.  I got a lot of exercise today because I walked with the ladies this morning and went golfing this afternoon.  I know tomorrow is going to be a tough day as well… just hoping I can keep from going too crazy like I did today.

Well today ended up very unexpectedly being an over day.   I was with a Partner from my office this morning and she and I ended up going out to lunch.  Now, at the lunch I wasn’t super bad, but I went through more calories than I would have liked without a solid amount of food to fill me up.  So when I got home I ended up eating more than I should have and went over for the day.  Disappointing, but I am not going to beat myself up over it.  Tomorrow I have a lot of hurdles in the way, I would really like to avoid the pizza at lunch time– then maybe I can order a good dinner.  I think on Monday I am going to start my quest to have a week without going over… but this week I need to put a fork in it.  I just need to not let it get out of hand.

Another good day– I cut it really close, but I stayed within calories again today.  Which was really good because I had Rotary tonight and I was really hungry when I got home so I ate before I even went to Rotary.  So at the meeting I cut way back what I ordered so I wasn’t tempted to eat something I shouldn’t– if I told them not to bring it there was no way I would eat it!  I ordered tilapia with sautéed spinach… but I really could have gone for the mashed potatoes also!

I did move my butt a bit more today, and after I enter this blog post I am going to get up and walk a little until I hit my 10,000 step count today.  I don’t think I will be able to get it in tomorrow because I am very busy at work- so I would like to at least do it today.

Tomorrow there should not be too many hurdles in my way.  Today I was really hungry, I don’t know why.  I didn’t go over my calories yesterday, but I also ate almost all of my calories– so I should not have been as hungry as I was today.  I am hoping that doesn’t happen to me again tomorrow because it is REALLY hard when I feel so hungry.

Friday is going to be the toughest day because we are having a pizza party (which I will need to bring my lunch with me to avoid the pizza– hopefully I can avoid the pizza) and then at night we are all going out to dinner at a German restaurant for dinner.  I don’t think they even serve salad!  We shall see…

Another successful day!   I even went out for lunch and was able to stay on track.   I really wanted a burger and fries…. And an appetizer, but I stuck with a salad!  I know that I can get back to where I was before vacation and beyond.   I haven’t been very active the last two days-  so I need to move my butt a bit more, but two days is great.  Looking forward to another good day tomorrow.  Later this week might be really hard, but I am going to really try.

Today is day 1 of being back on track and I did it!  Not without some hurdles that thankfully I was able to get over.  I really wanted cookies at the grocery store at one point.  Then at another point I pulled into McDonald’s to get an ice cream cone.  Right as I was going to get into the drive thru line (remember– fat people like to eat their food hiding in their cars)… I got a phone call I had to take.  I felt like it was something intervening to make sure I didn’t go ahead and undo all of the hard work I have already done.  I keep beating myself up that I haven’t lost any weight in about 3+ weeks… but I need to not lose sight of the fact that I have already lost a bunch of weight and if I keep going over I am going to put it back on.  I really don’t want to do that.  So far, day 1 of my 7 straight days of staying within my calories has been a success.  We will see how day 2 goes.

Tomorrow will be the start of me being right back on track.  This weekend was an over weekend…. but I know I can do this and I really want to stop being fat.  My goal is to have a whole week of staying within calories.  I want to do this to jump start everything and get me back to where I was before I left for vacation.  I am feeling large, heavy and bloated.  It is a gross feeling and I am ready to not feel it anymore.  I do not have anything really going on for the next few weeks, so I really don’t have an excuse to not make this work.

Today I went over again.  I didn’t have nearly as bad a fat day as I had yesterday, but still a fat day.  I know this weekend is going to be tough as well… my goal is to get myself back on track and have a week of completely staying on track to get myself back into the swing of things.

I have two paths I could take, I could do what I do whenever I get to this point, just plateau and then quit.  OR, I can stick with this… and I am going to stick with this.  I know I can do it.  The next two days we have a lot of plans that involve eating and drinking… so it will be tough and I am not going to be really hard on myself about it.  BUT, MONDAY MORNING I NEED TO GET BACK TO WHAT I WAS DOING SO WELL.  I WANT to get back to that place… I was feeling so great and doing so well.